Health Is My Thing!: Facebook

Been deep in Bipolar, PTSD and BPD symptoms.

The last few months have been tough, I guess at least half of this year has been taken away by these illnesses. People don't know you're ill because you just disappear and you're not well enough to approach anyone for help. Mental illness is a silent one for many and just close family/friends see the consequences. But for me, you may have no real close friends and family ties have been cut. Your close partner only knows who also doesn't have close friends or family.

It's lonely feeling like you're not part of the whole

I've found myself staying away from everything, unable to cope with very simple tasks even being a part of Facebook. It is really hard to communicate, something that people don't understand when they have seen you completely happy and 'normal' previously - so whats the problem?

The problem seems to delve right down to a very simple fact, and that is the decisions that lay in front of me, like choosing to eat or not, seem to feel too hard to choose between and take action. You lack motivation yes but the stress of choosing seems so heavy that you want to run away. I'm not lazy or thick, I probably overthink stuff too much and expect perfection or I won't attempt anything at all.

Finding solutions

I had it in my head that my medication was making me worse because I felt that it must be causing the real me to disappear. I did try going down for a month and I only got worse so I went back up and felt completely dead. No joy, nothing effected me, so one extreme to another. I don't suggest doing this as I didn't go through the Doctor but when you're desperate, you just try what you believe might be the case.

Like I have said in below posts, I have tried taking supplements to help support me but when you get ill, I couldn't keep up the momentum of taking them everyday, so that wasn't a solution for me while ill.

I then researched healing crystals and now have quite a supply. It wasn't until I started wearing crystal jewellery that I got some results.

I choose the following;

You aren't meant to have anymore than 3 semi-precious stones on your person for them to work well. And my oh my have they made life easier for me, I can now make decisions myself. I feel more in control and happier. Whatever you struggle with, you can find a stone/mineral/crystal to help you. Just search for 'the healing of ...(your problem).... semi-precious stones' to find your own personal ones.

If you find them not working how you like, you have 2 options.
1. Recharge your stones by putting on the windowsill under the rays of the moon overnight
2. It could be you choose the wrong one for you or the combination doesn't work if you are wearing more than one. Check for interaction between stones as they can cancel each other out.

Don't stop trying

I know it's easy to give up hope and feel you just don't deserve to be here anymore.

Coping strategies are different for everyone but here are my top ideas for trying to get out of a hole;

Please write down all the things you do like or love now or in the past to find something that may rekindle some meaning in your life. e.g. reading books, watching films, walking in a forest, going to the beach to go bear foot in the sand.....and so on. Push yourself to try one of these things to feel more human x
Stretch the boundaries. So recently I have been hiding from the world on purpose and the longer it goes on the worse it gets. So the list above I've said to write, find some common things that you are missing. For me it was seeing people and seeing the world. What can you do as a baby step to try and see that things are still there for you to try. So i went for a walk in the woods with my partner and saw the beauty and felt the calmness. It did feel wonderful even though I couldn't express it.
So hopefully you have stretched your boundaries at least once. So now your're going to plan lots of things so you can plan to do one a week every week. A goal to look forward to. To make this easy for myself, I downloaded a free app for my phone called Task Hammer, there are plenty of task helping apps to choose from. You put all the tasks you feel you need reminding of, even the basic stuff because thats what we struggle with. I put in brushing my teeth, watering the plants and then other things that I want to do and when. It reminds me then I get to tick I've done it (a milestone as such) and you get points to progress different areas in your life.
My next task is to really push my boundaries by putting myself out there. I haven't told anyone because I want to do this. I've been an Avon rep 4 times before and each time it gave me back my confidence because I have to put myself out there and I need a task where there is a time limit but not stressful. I'm doing it for me, not the money. I know it will help me get out, so I'm really looking forward to it!

I will let you know how things go but do message me or comment below to tell me how you are struggling or how you have coped, succeeded or any positives. I would love to share the love.

Remember, nothing is a failure, its a learning curve to get to where you want to be. Everyone deals with stuff going wrong, its how you try to pick up the pieces that shows that you can do this, no matter what! I believe in you xxxx

Bipolar is not fashionable!

I hear many non-believers say 'Oh everyone seems to have Bipolar these days just because it's the 'in' thing to have!' This really makes me sick. How dare anyone judge on how much a mental illness gets publicised? It's supposed to make people aware, not because it's a so-called 'popular' labelled illness. If it wasn't for 'Stacey' from Eastenders, portraying someone with Bipolar, I would not have found out that I had it!

I did not ask for this and I 'feel' people see my problems as excuses. I have lost many friends because they just can't be bothered with me any more. That's so sad! It's the same with family too. I only see my Mum and step-dad. I would love my family to be understanding and gentle, but I can't change them and I shouldn't have to accommodate, I've been hurt too many times to care. I now know that MY feelings are as important as anyone else's. I've learnt these lessons in life too late, but that's life and you can only change the future.

What makes you heart hurt, makes you stronger

I know we've all had our hearts hurt. That's the nature of 'feeling' and being human. My mental turmoil really has known no bounds and I believe that what you experience is meant to be, like fate, so just follow it because it makes you the person you are.

In 2009 I was diagnosed with bipolar type 1 rapid cycling, borderline personality disorder and psychosis. I only found out last year that I also have PTSD and this should have been picked up sooner (story of my life). "What does this mean?" I hear you say! Here's the official definition on each;

Bipolar I disorder is a bipolar spectrum disorder characterized by the occurrence of at least one manic or mixed episode. Most patients also, at other times, have one or more depressive episodes, and all experience a hypomanic stage before progressing to full mania. It is a type of bipolar disorder, and conforms to the classic concept of manic-depressive illness, which can include psychosis during mood episodes. (Source Wikipedia)

Borderline personality disorder (BPD) is a type of personality disorder. Personality disorders are a type of mental health problem where your attitudes, beliefs and behaviours cause you longstanding problems in your life. (Source Mind)

Psychosis is a severe mental disorder in which thought and emotions are so impaired that contact is lost with external reality. (Find out more)

Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) is a mental health condition that's triggered by a terrifying event — either experiencing it or witnessing it. Symptoms may include flashbacks, nightmares and severe anxiety, as well as uncontrollable thoughts about the event. (Source Mayo Clinic)

Labels don't make me who I am

Reeling off the Doctors diagnosis above isn't who I am. I can assure you that these labels don't fully describe the 'normal' me, which is what I call the person you know, without having any visible signs that I may be struggling. With all my illnesses over the years, the only thing you do is fight through it, even if it is just on the outside.

I've been struggling with my mind since I was 13 and for good reason, this experience paved the way for my troubles. I was gang raped by boys from my school and it changed the way people perceived me at school until I left. I won't go into detail but everyone knew what happened at school and boys took their chances with me many times and after school, men took advantage of me until a few years back.

The shock that shook me (and my friends)

When I had my first boy, 15 years ago, I made some lifelong friends who had the same age children, We were a group of like-minded mums and all went on to have 3 or more children each. We were close, life was excellent or so we thought. 1 of our friends wasn't meeting up with us anymore. She was putting up a front and said everything was fine, on FACEBOOK. She was hiding her true feelings on Facebook. Looking back we all wish we would have gone to see her.

That's us on our boys 1st birthdays (I'm on the right)

Unfortunately the next thing we heard was that she was in hospital in a very serous condition. The next day she died. Again, I won't go into details, as that's not fair on other people. She was the same age as me, 29 and she had 4 young children. It was devastating.

At the time, I didn't seem to be in shock. I seemed to have quite a level head. It wasn't until the funeral that things hit me. I had trouble going into the service and couldn't bear to sit with my friends because I believed it was my fault and I shouldn't be there. I saw her 2 young twins, who were toddlers, and thats when the panic overtook me. I couldn't breath......I couldn't move. Took a lot of help from a dear friend to bring me back.

At the time 'Stacey' from Eastenders had just lost 'Danielle' and I could relate to her situation so much so I began drinking excessively and doing extreme things, much like 'Stacey'. This is where the 'light bulb' moment happened. I asked people close to me whether they thought I was a lot like Stacey? They all agreed and had thought for a number of years that I was Bipolar, just like the character.

Researching my symptoms against Bipolar proved to me that I needed help, I couldn't go on like I was. A friend helped me approach my doctor with everything I had written down and he agreed that if he had known this before, there was no way I would have been on anti-depressants, as they fuel the mania making it worse!

Trying to keep my head above water

A lot has gone on since the diagnosis, so much so I think I could write a book! But the struggle is one I do hate because one moment to the next can be polar opposites from things I like, eat, feel, want and more. I never know when it's going to effect me and I could be really well for 8 months then BANG! I fall. Living on this rocky road is hard. One day I would like to say I am free and I will keep striving to get there.

I have a chemical imbalance (bipolar) and the side-effects from my medication interfere with my thyroid and also means I will have to have dialysis later on in life. I did try my damnest to only result to medication if I had to, but it was affecting my children and family and they are too important not to make that decision.

I know that I am very sensitive to my hormones and I strive to take supplements to help me stay as well as I can. My health is paramount and my path will be long, the last 2 years have been hard. I've attempted to take my live twice and the last incident has changed me forever, I vow NEVER to go to that dark place again.

These are the supplements I'm taking right now;

I have only started these this week (although I have taken them before), so too early to say anything and with supplements you have to start small and work up to the required dose. I will go into what each one is for in my next post with lots of in-depth research.

For now, I'd like to ask you a favour.......will you promise me that if any of your friends or family haven't been in contact recently or you haven't seen them in a while,,,,,,please make sure Facebook doesn't get in the way of your relationship. Love everyone as if it's your last day on earth xxxxx

Thank you x