Bipolar is not fashionable!
I hear many non-believers say 'Oh everyone seems to have Bipolar these days just because it's the 'in' thing to have!' This really makes me sick. How dare anyone judge on how much a mental illness gets publicised? It's supposed to make people aware, not because it's a so-called 'popular' labelled illness. If it wasn't for 'Stacey' from Eastenders, portraying someone with Bipolar, I would not have found out that I had it!
I did not ask for this and I 'feel' people see my problems as excuses. I have lost many friends because they just can't be bothered with me any more. That's so sad! It's the same with family too. I only see my Mum and step-dad. I would love my family to be understanding and gentle, but I can't change them and I shouldn't have to accommodate, I've been hurt too many times to care. I now know that MY feelings are as important as anyone else's. I've learnt these lessons in life too late, but that's life and you can only change the future.
What makes you heart hurt, makes you stronger
I know we've all had our hearts hurt. That's the nature of 'feeling' and being human. My mental turmoil really has known no bounds and I believe that what you experience is meant to be, like fate, so just follow it because it makes you the person you are.
In 2009 I was diagnosed with bipolar type 1 rapid cycling, borderline personality disorder and psychosis. I only found out last year that I also have PTSD and this should have been picked up sooner (story of my life). "What does this mean?" I hear you say! Here's the official definition on each;
Bipolar I disorder is a bipolar spectrum disorder characterized by the occurrence of at least one manic or mixed episode. Most patients also, at other times, have one or more depressive episodes, and all experience a hypomanic stage before progressing to full mania. It is a type of bipolar disorder, and conforms to the classic concept of manic-depressive illness, which can include psychosis during mood episodes. (Source Wikipedia)
Borderline personality disorder (BPD) is a type of personality disorder. Personality disorders are a type of mental health problem where your attitudes, beliefs and behaviours cause you longstanding problems in your life. (Source Mind)
Psychosis is a severe mental disorder in which thought and emotions are so impaired that contact is lost with external reality. (Find out more)
Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) is a mental health condition that's triggered by a terrifying event — either experiencing it or witnessing it. Symptoms may include flashbacks, nightmares and severe anxiety, as well as uncontrollable thoughts about the event. (Source Mayo Clinic)
Labels don't make me who I am
Reeling off the Doctors diagnosis above isn't who I am. I can assure you that these labels don't fully describe the 'normal' me, which is what I call the person you know, without having any visible signs that I may be struggling. With all my illnesses over the years, the only thing you do is fight through it, even if it is just on the outside.
I've been struggling with my mind since I was 13 and for good reason, this experience paved the way for my troubles. I was gang raped by boys from my school and it changed the way people perceived me at school until I left. I won't go into detail but everyone knew what happened at school and boys took their chances with me many times and after school, men took advantage of me until a few years back.
The shock that shook me (and my friends)
When I had my first boy, 15 years ago, I made some lifelong friends who had the same age children, We were a group of like-minded mums and all went on to have 3 or more children each. We were close, life was excellent or so we thought. 1 of our friends wasn't meeting up with us anymore. She was putting up a front and said everything was fine, on FACEBOOK. She was hiding her true feelings on Facebook. Looking back we all wish we would have gone to see her.
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| That's us on our boys 1st birthdays (I'm on the right) |
Unfortunately the next thing we heard was that she was in hospital in a very serous condition. The next day she died. Again, I won't go into details, as that's not fair on other people. She was the same age as me, 29 and she had 4 young children. It was devastating.
At the time, I didn't seem to be in shock. I seemed to have quite a level head. It wasn't until the funeral that things hit me. I had trouble going into the service and couldn't bear to sit with my friends because I believed it was my fault and I shouldn't be there. I saw her 2 young twins, who were toddlers, and thats when the panic overtook me. I couldn't breath......I couldn't move. Took a lot of help from a dear friend to bring me back.
At the time 'Stacey' from Eastenders had just lost 'Danielle' and I could relate to her situation so much so I began drinking excessively and doing extreme things, much like 'Stacey'. This is where the 'light bulb' moment happened. I asked people close to me whether they thought I was a lot like Stacey? They all agreed and had thought for a number of years that I was Bipolar, just like the character.
Researching my symptoms against Bipolar proved to me that I needed help, I couldn't go on like I was. A friend helped me approach my doctor with everything I had written down and he agreed that if he had known this before, there was no way I would have been on anti-depressants, as they fuel the mania making it worse!
Trying to keep my head above water
A lot has gone on since the diagnosis, so much so I think I could write a book! But the struggle is one I do hate because one moment to the next can be polar opposites from things I like, eat, feel, want and more. I never know when it's going to effect me and I could be really well for 8 months then BANG! I fall. Living on this rocky road is hard. One day I would like to say I am free and I will keep striving to get there.
I have a chemical imbalance (bipolar) and the side-effects from my medication interfere with my thyroid and also means I will have to have dialysis later on in life. I did try my damnest to only result to medication if I had to, but it was affecting my children and family and they are too important not to make that decision.
I know that I am very sensitive to my hormones and I strive to take supplements to help me stay as well as I can. My health is paramount and my path will be long, the last 2 years have been hard. I've attempted to take my live twice and the last incident has changed me forever, I vow NEVER to go to that dark place again.
These are the supplements I'm taking right now;
I have only started these this week (although I have taken them before), so too early to say anything and with supplements you have to start small and work up to the required dose. I will go into what each one is for in my next post with lots of in-depth research.
For now, I'd like to ask you a favour.......will you promise me that if any of your friends or family haven't been in contact recently or you haven't seen them in a while,,,,,,please make sure Facebook doesn't get in the way of your relationship. Love everyone as if it's your last day on earth xxxxx
Thank you x
